


How I Fell in Love With My Professor

by AgentGreyNevada



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Coming of Age, Consensual, Depression, F/M, Female virgin, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Loneliness, Music major, Self Care, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Time Skips, University, college professor, domestic abuse, loving professor, music professor, sporadic time jumps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 10:59:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17827310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentGreyNevada/pseuds/AgentGreyNevada
Summary: Grey recounts her four years at Concord Bay University and how she managed to fall head over heels for her music professor.





	1. High School, Spring: Audition

**Author's Note:**

> This is a college AU so a lot of things are different! There are a LOT of time skipping in this story and I will do my best to inform you on when the next chapter occurs.

We took a trip to Florida for Spring Break. 

Honestly, I couldn't believe my parents trusted me with this much responsibility. But then again: it was a school band trip. 

We hopped all over the state of Florida and we ended up at Concord Bay - an area of the panhandle state that held both beaches for the ocean and bay water. The director managed to get us a tour of the university, along with seats to the university's wind ensemble concert later that day. I had ulterior motives. 

During our break out time, I swiftly moved far away from any other groups and walked the concrete path back to the modern and massive music building. I remembered gazing at the university's map several times prior to this trip so I had no fear of getting lost. 

I entered the glass building, clarinet case strapped around my shoulder. A few college kids were around, complaining about Professor So-And-So and paid no attention to the senior high school girl who  _obviously_ didn't belong here. I walked up to the building directory that was in front of the indoor fountain, and located his office. 

"Third floor, room 305." I muttered to myself, while eyeing a staircase beyond the fountain. I followed the marble flooring to the stairs and climbed to the third floor. It was quieter than the first floor, presumably only offices were up here. The stairs brought me out by the third floor lounge, with a student reading from a textbook in the corner by the window. I was confused on where to go until-

"Jackie, I cannot tell you again but you  _need_ to practice. I will see you next week. Don't disappoint me again." Down the hall, a door opened and an older woman came out, books in her arms and a clarinet case in hand. A man stepped out of the room, watching her leave. My breath hitched. 

 _It's...it's really him._ My eyes grew wide. The woman named Jackie trudged pass me while grumbling to herself. The man caught my eye and then disappeared back into his office. I hurried over and before the door closed, I stuck my foot in. 

"E-excuse me..." I kicked the door open and walked inside, the professor looming over his dark stained wooden desk. He removed his glasses and gave me a comfortable glance. 

"Well, you are most certainly  _not_ Matthew..." He chuckled, walking around his desk to be closer. He sat on the edge of his desk, arms crossed. "If you are not Matthew, then who are you?" 

"I-I'm Grey, I-I'm not from here I uh..." I stuttered, my hands sweating. "It's an honor to meet you, Dr. Gates. I admire your work and uh..." I gulped. "I'd like to audition." 

"Well, first off, Grey, it is very nice to meet you." Dr. Gates stood up, his hands clapped together. "I guess I don't need to introduce myself since ah, you already know who I am - I do appreciate the admiration, by the way, I don't meet a lot of people who are fans of my work..." He gave a lighthearted chuckle. "But um, audition?" 

"Y-yeah...um, my high school is here for spring break, and it was my only chance to audition for you...um, my parents want me to stay local..."

"High school? Spring break? Local?" Dr. Gates chuckled, trying to put the pieces together. "Oh wait, it's your school who's here? Mmf, love your band director." He patted his chest with his hand. "Inspirational guy, and a  _fabulous_ trumpet player, according to my colleagues." Dr. Gates paused. "You guys are up in..."

"Pennsylvania, yeah. My parents don't want me going far to school but...I think otherwise." I looked down at the instrument in my hand. 

Dr. Gates nodded, sitting back down at the edge of his desk. "Okay then, play for me." 

"What?" 

"You wanted to audition, right?" He gestured with his hands. "So, a music stand is over there, feel free to warm up, I look forward to hearing you play." 

* * *

It was the most nerve-racking 15 minutes of my life. 

Dr. Gates eyed every movement I made while assembling my clarinet, to my warm up routine and finally, to the piece I played. He bobbed his head to the melody, getting into my musicianship. I ended the piece and cleared my throat. It wasn't the best performance I've given. 

"You're...nervous. Very nervous." Dr. Gates produced a comforting smile. "Your sound wavered while playing, that's how I could tell." 

"I-I'm sorry, I just...I've played better..." I admitted, holding my instrument carefully in my hands. I didn't - no, I  _couldn't_ blow this opportunity. 

"We all have off days, but you still gotta act confident. Step 1: Regardless of how shitty you end up being, act like you did your best. Come on, stand up straight." He commanded. I stopped slouching instantly. "There ya go,  _so_ much better." He praised and came over to where I gave my mini performance. He observed my music, the pencil markings I've made. "Do you take lessons?" 

"Um, no. Parents don't 'believe' in them..." I rolled my eyes at the truth of the statement. Dr. Gates peered down at me. 

"...are you for real?" He was baffled. 

"I would not lie to you about that." I defended with a huff. Dr. Gates returned his gaze to the music and shook his head. 

"Parents..." He muttered, his fingers scanning the page. "For someone who hasn't had a private lesson on clarinet, your technique is pretty solid. Perfectionist?" 

I vigorously nodded. "Y-yeah..." He chuckled. 

"It's noticeable. Your runs were clean, the intervals were smooth and precise. Those are very valuable techniques to have mastered at your age." He had a twinkle in his eye. "Now, just because your technique is clean doesn't mean you can ignore phrasing." He pointed out the long phrase marks. "Your playing was technically good, but it lacked that...emotion. As a musician, you gotta make the audience feel something, that's Step 2." Dr. Gates looked back to the page once more. "I'm not going to comment on your tone because you were nervous...but overall, solid foundation. I'd wish I could see how much you'd improve if you had lessons..."

"I'm sorry to have bugged you..." I began to go back to my case and put my instrument away.

"Grey, what's your last name?" Dr. Gates called out to me. I stopped while opening my case. 

"Um, Nevada, why?" 

"Did you apply to Concord Bay?" He went over to his desk and sat down, the light from the lamp giving him a warm glow. 

"I uh...yeah, I did." I disassembled my instrument as I heard a printer kick on. Dr. Gates stood up, reached for the printer and retrieved the freshly printed piece of paper. 

"Good." He waltzed over and passed the paper off to me. "Tell your folks you're receiving a scholarship." He winked. "I look forward to seeing you on campus, Miss Nevada."  


	2. Freshman Year, September: His House

I didn't meet the rest of the clarinet studio until we gathered at his house. 

Fortunately, my roommate was able to drive me the twenty minutes to get there since my car was stuck back in Pennsylvania with my parents. Carolina was cool; different major than myself but that made it much more enjoyable to live with her. She gave me her phone number and told me to call her if there were any issues. I plugged the 10-digit number into my phone's contact list and exited the vehicle. She drove off in her Subaru and I stared at the house. 

Honestly, I didn't want to come. I had no desire to interact with anyone or go off campus on a Friday night like every other stereotypical college kid. But Dr. Gates convinced me otherwise. 

"You'll meet everyone and just relax prior to the semester really kicking into high gear," He had told me during my first lesson. I had shrugged but he insisted, and if I really didn't enjoy it, I could hide in his private office for an hour or two before someone came to get me. That's what sealed the deal for me. 

His house was pretty big from the outside. The walls were white, contrasting with the red shingled roofing. Small lights lit the path alongside the driveway and I followed, backpack slung over my shoulder. He had told us to bring a bathing suit and a change of clothes. I brought neither. 

I trotted up the few front steps and approached the double doors. I looked around the tiny alcove and spotted a doorbell. I rang it. 

A cute little tune spat out as I heard footsteps from the other side quickly approach. The door flew open. 

"Grey! So glad you decided to come!" Dr. Gates was eager to greet me with a wide smile. "Come in, come in, make yourself at home!" He gestured me inside while swinging the door wide to let me pass. I walked by him and into the entry way, instinctively taking off my sneakers. "Oh, you can keep those on! I usually clean the floors about, eh, once a week, so no need to fear tracking in dirt." He patted my back and I slid my foot back inside my shoe. "Everyone is excited to meet you."

"Really...?" I asked in a surprised tone. Dr. Gates nodded while leading me to the sliding glass door at the back of the house. 

"Mhm, to them, you're just this mystery girl from Pennsylvania. They've been taking bets on what your voice sounds like because of all the different accents that can be found there." Dr. Gates snickered to himself while gazing at my attire. "No swimsuit?" 

"I uh...no." I was blunt. "I really...didn't want to swim..." 

"That's fine, I won't force you to do anything you don't want to." He chuckled and gazed out the glass door at numerous people swimming in his pool. "They're all friendly. Or at least that's how they are around me." 

I looked up at him with anxiety in my eyes. He slightly shook his head. 

"You'll be okay. If they say anything to you that you don't like, tell me. I'll set 'em straight." 

Someone from on the pooling decking shouted. 

"Wind ensemble results are up!" 

Everyone in the immediate area hurdled over to the person who shouted, begging to know the chair placement. I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and loaded up my email. 

"Ah, chair placements." Dr. Gates chuckled once more. "I don't understand why everyone gets their undies in a bunch about it." 

"Holy shit." I muttered in shock. I got...4th chair? 

People outside began either cheering or bitching about their placement. I was seated higher than the freshmen and sophomores. I looked up at Dr. Gates. He so happened to sit in on auditions. 

"Your audition was ten times better than the first time you played for me. You took my advice with care, and made improvements. And, your tone was not shaky. It was quite beautiful to listen to." He complimented with a smile, then proceeded to stare out the sliding glass door. "They might be pissed off at me for the seating but then again, I just give the director my honest thoughts and he seats everyone." Dr. Gates shrugged and turned around to head for the kitchen, babbling on about something. I continued to stare out the window. Some people were cursing and shouting into the oblivion of the night sky. 

I then noticed anxiety pains in my chest. "Shit..." I grunted, my hand flinging to where my heart was. I tried to steady my breathing by inhaling for 3 seconds and exhaling for 5. I walked away from the window, out of sight from the other studio members. I heard footsteps to my left. 

"...and the funny part was, I wasn't even a senior in high school...hey, are you okay?" Dr. Gates came over to my side and placed an arm on my back. "Just breathe, Grey." 

My breath staggered, now never wanting to meet the rest of the studio and remain being that mystery girl that no one sees until rehearsals and classes. Dr. Gates glanced out the window. 

"Let's get you upstairs." He suggested, herding me over to the carpeted staircase. I watched my step on the way up, trying not to fall as I focused on inhaling and exhaling. We reached the top floor and while still having a hand gently on my upper back, guided me to a room on the left. 

Dr. Gates opened the door and flicked on the light. The room was square, bookcases lined the back wall and a giant desk sat in the middle with a big leather chair and two computer screens. It was a gamer's dream. "This is my home office, and also the place I game." He gestured to the massive computer tower under his desk. You could see the inner workings of the computer, and it pulsated different colors. "Make yourself comfortable. Feel free to play some games or, if you brought things..." He cleared off a flat surface from sheet music for me to use. "No one will come up here but me."

My breathing started to calm. He was purposefully trying to avoid a studio fight before he could reason with everyone. It was a sweet gesture. "Th-thank you..." I stuttered, looking down. He rested a gentle hand on my hunched shoulder. 

"I'll talk to them. I'll ease the tension. You don't have to talk to any of them tonight. Like I said, I don't want to make you uncomfortable." His eyes shimmered with hope and comfort. I felt my heart slow to a normal rate and I moved pass my professor to sit in his office chair. I plopped down, leaned back and spun in a circle. 

"This...is a comfy chair." I deemed with a slight smile. Dr. Gates chuckled, crossing his arms. 

"That's why I kept it for so long. That chair has so much history." He turned his attention to the sliding door from downstairs being opened, and voices getting louder. "Stay here." He whispered, quickly leaving the office and shutting the door behind him. 

* * *

Carolina came and got me at quarter to midnight, after everyone else had gone home. Dr. Gates watched me go to the car from his porch and waved us off. 

"He seems nice," Carolina commented, flickering her gaze over at me for a moment. I gave a sigh of content. 

"Yeah, he is." I said in a dreamy state.

"Shit, did you guys fuck?!" Carolina asked with fire in her voice. I quickly did a double take and sputtered. 

"Wh-what?! N-no! Why would I do that?!" 

"You're over here in a fucking dream state, that's why," The red head sassed back. I rolled my eyes. 

"No...no it wasn't anything like that...he just...prevented me from having a bad anxiety attack...that's all." I muttered, staring out the window as Carolina drove onto I-92. Carolina clicked her tongue. 

"Well, that's a sweet thing he did." Carolina's Subaru hummed as she maintained a constant speed, barely any other cars on the highway. "Does he care that much about all of his students?" 

"I mean, I would assume so. All of the other professors and students in the department really like him so, I wouldn't see why not." I replied, feeling a sense of exhaustion wash over me. 

"...just don't mistake kindness for affection, okay?" Carolina cautioned. I scoffed. 

"Girl, why would I date my professor? Gotta keep it professional..." I yawned, leaning back in the car seat. I mean honestly, why would I date Dr. Gates anyway?

 

 


	3. Freshman Year, October: Advisement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those not familiar with the college system, advisement period is when a student meets with their academic advisor to plan out their classes for the next semester to make sure they're staying on track with what they want to do.

I sat outside his office door, waiting for my turn. 

I was there 15 minutes early; I honestly had nothing else better to do. Sure, I could've practiced but by the time I would've gotten my instrument together and set up to play, it would've been time to leave. 

The door to his office opened and a girl waltzed out - South. She seemed pissed. 

"He's not in a good mood," She whispered to me as she walked down the hall and to the stairs. I gulped, standing to my feet and grabbing my backpack. 

"Grey, you there?" Dr. Gates hollered from the depths of his office. 

"Yeah, I'm coming!" I responded, pushing open his door and closing it behind me. I walked over the carpeted floor and sat down in a comfortable chair in front of his desk. "Hi." 

"Hello, Grey." He greeted with a smile, but there was a hitch in his voice. Something was off. 

"Um...something wrong?" I asked cautiously. Dr. Gates sighed, turning away from his computer screen, folding his hands and placing them on the empty desk. 

"Grey, you're a student," He began in a quieter tone. "Do you  _truly_ listen to your professors? Not including myself." 

I was baffled by the question at hand. "Um...of course I do...why wouldn't I?" 

"You see, students who come in here and bullshit and waste my time are  _not_ what I have taught them to be." The professor ranted in a passive aggressive tone. "I taught them to be independent musicians who don't need to rely on others to make it through this world. And what do I get? Students who need their hands held." He leaned back in his office chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I apologize for ranting in front of you...it's unprofessional on my end." 

"Um...no worries," I stuttered, not sure what to say or do. Dr. Gates let out a sigh and sprung forward in his chair. 

"Alright, I ranted, I'm good now." He released a gentle smile. "Now Grey, let's talk about yourself. Tell me: what's your goal after four years?" 

"I uh...graduate." 

Dr. Gates craned his neck back and let out a cackle. "Wow, that was a good one.  _Obviously_ you're going to graduate but...what are your plans after that?" 

I stammered for an answer, my eyes flickering back and forth. "Um..." 

"Wrong answer!" Dr. Gates shouted and laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kick you out for not knowing. But seriously, you should begin thinking about it. Graduation is closer than it feels." 

I nodded. "I would probably go to graduate school." 

"For what?" 

I shrugged. "Music." 

"Good, we're getting somewhere." Dr. Gates opened a file that was on the corner of his desk, pulled it towards him and began taking notes. "And as we get closer to your graduation date, we'll narrow down your focus." He mimicked a funnel shape with his hands and went back to taking notes. "Okay, next question: what made you choose music?" 

"Are you filling out a dating profile or something?" I retorted with a snort. Dr. Gates's eyes flickered up and smirked in response. 

"I want to know what drives my students; their goals, their fears, their purpose. It helps me prepare them for the world beyond college and how to teach them." The professor explained. "Makes sense?" 

I nodded. "Yeah um, that's actually cool that you care so much." I smiled. 

"Why thank you. I just teach the way I wish my professor taught me." He beamed from the compliment. "So: why did you choose music?" 

I sighed, sitting back in the chair. "I find it so...interesting. All the theory behind it, the structure, how it's performed, everything. I've always been into music since I've been a kid. I'd always listen to video game music and film score." 

"Ooooh video game music." He tisked. "Good taste, Grey." 

I chuckled. "Yeah uh, I played a lot of video games growing up. Um...but yeah, that's where my passion comes from." The professor nodded, jotting down more notes. "May I ask why you're so passionate?" 

"Out of spite." He answered bluntly, putting down his pen. "My parents never wanted me to do music, and tried to get me to do  _anything_ else, but I continued in it out of spite. And, look at me now. 28 with three degrees with a full time job and amazing students." He winked at me and leaned back in his chair. 

"You're...28?" 

"I look younger than I am, I know." He stroked his ego. 

"No I mean...you got your doctorate at a very young age compared to...literally anyone else."

"I did, I finished it last year. Had a grand party and everything." Dr. Gates turned to a framed certificate on the wall. "So much work but it paid off." He released a sigh of content. "But anyway; did you bring your proposed schedule?"

* * *

The next 15 minutes were spent going back and forth between my proposed schedule and the proposed sequence of classes. I leaned forward in my seat, telling Dr. Gates my reasoning for taking each class. He nodded in approval to all of them and then finally-

"Yep, your schedule looks good. Look at you, taking a full load of credits." He chuckled with a warm smile. "Just don't overdo it, okay? You still need to be sane." 

I laughed. "Yeah, I promise I'll be fine." I went to get up from my seat. 

"I enjoyed talking with you." Dr. Gates stated in a gentle tone. I gazed up at him after putting my planner back into my backpack. 

"Oh uh...I enjoyed talking to you too." I smiled back, zipping up my backpack. 

"My office is always open, drop by if you ever need to talk." He opened an invite for me. I slung the backpack over my shoulder. 

"Thanks, Dr. Gates, it's appreciated." I walked out of his office with my head held high. With him as an advisor, I felt invincible. 

 


	4. Freshman Year, March: Breakdown

It was the roughest week of my college adventure thus far. 

Carolina and I got into a huge fight over something  _so_ dumb. My classes hit me harder than a ton of bricks. The ensemble music was pushing my buttons. And Dr. Gates had extremely high standards for me. 

Last week I managed to bullshit my way through my lesson; the scales were simple, the chords were sightreadable, and the music was something I played before. But for this week's lesson, I was screwed. 

"Fuck he's gonna kill me..." I muttered to myself while grabbing my instrument case and assorted accessories from my music locker. Other music majors mingled around, and two studio members overheard me talking. 

"Wait, you're not prepared?" The one girl, South, asked. "Oh man, he's gonna kick you out of your lesson if you show up completely unprepared." 

"I-I mean I..." I stammered. "I know a little bit but..." 

"He knows when you haven't practiced. It's like a weird sixth sense he has." Tex, the girl standing next to South, stated. "He's kicked people out before for not being prepared so...fair warning." 

This didn't help the ever growing hole of anxiety in my gut. 

* * *

 

In the span of five minutes, my mood went from mildly anxious to fucking trainwreck. Two emails skirted into my inbox regarding  _more_ scheduling conflicts and concerts, and Carolina messaged me, yelling at me about how my side of the dorm was messy. Fuck. Me. 

Dr. Gates's door was open, and I slowly walked in. 

"Hi Grey," He greeted with a warm smile, his clarinet neck strap around his neck. "I'll be right back, I gotta refill my water bottle." He swiftly exited his office and I was left to ponder my fate. 

"You'll be...okay..." I muttered while quickly assembling my wooden clarinet. I threw my neck strap on and set my clarinet stand on the floor. I pulled out my technique book from my multifolder and set it onto the black plastic music stand. Footsteps rapidly approached the door as Dr. Gates appeared, his water bottle full and swinging freely from his finger. He shut the door as he walked in. 

"Alright, let's get started..." He said with a huff, gathering his papers from his desk to grade my playing. I adjusted my neck strap as he wrote my name in the top left hand corner of his paper. "So we're on Gb major, right?" 

"Y-yeah..." I stuttered, licking my reed. I knew I haven't played this, I've barely played this week outside of rehearsals.  _What if I mess up? How will he know I didn't practice? Does he just hear gossip from others and think it's true? I'm such a failure, he's gonna kick me out of the studio. He's-_

"Grey?" My inner rambling was cut off by Dr. Gates's concerned voice. My eyes flickered away from the page of sixteenth notes and over to him. "You've stood here for a minute and haven't played anything." 

"I..." My voice hiccuped, tears welling in my eyes. The professor raised an eyebrow. 

"Is everything okay?" He asked. My bottom lip quivered. 

"N-no..." I sniffled, holding my clarinet in my sweaty hands. "This week has been a disaster. I've barely practiced. I feel like I've let you down...I've let myself down..." Tears flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks uncontrollably. "My roommate and I had a falling out, my classes are so freaking demanding, and the ensemble music is kicking my ass...and I've had no time to practice and when I did...I'm just so burnt out..." I rambled, my cheeks beaming a bright red of embarrassment. I refused to look him in the eye. "I can just leave...I'm sorry to waste your time-"

"No." Dr. Gates spoke in a firm tone. "Sit." He came over, gently took the instrument from my hands and ushered me to sit down. I obliged, feeling uber guilty about the whole situation. I cried to myself as Dr. Gates rushed around me to his desk. "Now, tell me, why you are stressed." He plucked a box of tissues from the desk's corner and came back around, holding them out to me. I took them from his lean hand as he sat across from me at another chair, his leg crossed and hands folded. 

"...you're not mad at me?" I croaked out. Dr. Gates rolled his eyes with a smile. 

"I'm assuming the upperclassmen have told you stories." He readjusted his position. "No. I am not mad at you. I get mad at...when people either don't tell me what's going on, or they feel no guilt for not practicing. For example, South waltzed in here one day and told me with a smirk 'I didn't practice.'" He impersonated her voice and I nearly snorted. "You, on the other hand, are here having a mental breakdown about it. You honestly feel bad, don't you?" I nodded rapidly to his question while wiping my nose. "That's the difference. I know you have drive and passion, so for you to be unable to practice is a red flag." He stopped rambling and stroked his chin. "Do you wanna talk about it?" 

 "Um...there's not much to talk about-"

"Obviously you need to talk, otherwise you wouldn't be crying in my office." He gave a slight chuckle. "Lay it on me." 

* * *

I spent my hour lesson time talking about my issues with everyone as he sat patiently and listened. He consoled me from five feet away with his wise words and good judgement. After I had calmed down, he offered me a few chocolate candies from a container on his desk. "Candy always makes me feel better," He had said, passing the box to me. I had picked out a few from the plastic box, pocketing them for later. He then sent me off to face the world with a small smile on my face, thanks to him. 

* * *

"You seem...better." Carolina and I were in the dorm room as I was finally folding my clean clothes. "Did something happen?" 

"Oh, um, I had a talk with my professor, Dr. Gates. Well, I broke down during my lesson..." I admitted to Carolina as she sat on her bed with her laptop in hand. 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah, I didn't even play a single note. I just...froze, broke down, cried. He sat me down and just...let me talk. It felt really, really good to actually talk to someone, no offense."

"None taken, I was being a dick." Carolina gave a pseudo apology for overreacting at me. "I forget your life is a train wreck due to your major." 

"Yeah, it honestly is." I scratched my head. "Now where is this other sock?"

* * *

Later that night, I laid awake in bed. My mind rambled and would not shut up no matter how many upbeat songs I listened to. 

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Carolina was passed out on her bed, facing the wall. I sighed.  _Welp, talking to her isn't an option._ I learned the hard way about waking her up in the middle of the night for a non-emergency reason. 

Dr. Gates's voice came to mind: "Candy always makes me feel better," His sweet voice echoed. I pondered. I still had the chocolates in my sweatshirt pocket from earlier...

I swiftly climbed out of my raised bed, careful not make too much of a ruckus. I went over to my sweatshirt that hung on the wall and reached around for the pocket. I found it and stuck my hand in, finding gold. I pulled it out, two wrapped truffles in my hand. I smiled to myself and returned to my bed, carefully holding the candies. I plopped onto my bed and unwrapped the first one. I gently bit into it, savoring the flavor. My heart relaxed, and my mind dissipated of all negative thoughts. 

The only thing on my mind was Dr. Gates. 

He was...sweet. Gentle at times, but we still respected him just as much as any other professor. He always kept a positive demeanor, even if his students were uncooperative. I...I couldn't understand why I was drawn to him. When I spent time with him, either crying in his office or having a lesson, I savored every moment. If only I could be with him more often.  _Pssh Grey, calm down, he's your PROFESSOR, nothing can ever happen between you two,_ my brain reasoned with the feelings in my chest. I nodded to myself, finishing off the second chocolate. 

It was just nice to think about. 

 

 

 


	5. Summer: Texting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight Trigger Warning for Depression/Loneliness

"Okay guys, thank you all for a wonderful academic year," Dr. Gates began his speech at the top of the hour to the studio class. We sat in two rows of chairs in a medium sized rehearsal space. I sat in the front row, off to the side, attentively listening. "To my seniors," He scanned the 18 of us with his eyes, his gaze hovering over the seniors longer than everyone else, "I wish you all the best of luck and, don't be afraid to drop by and visit!" He gave a warm smile then continued. "As for the rest of you...I know you're all tired and burnt out, take a week or two off. Let your soul rest. But then, make sure to practice! A good practice routine is full year, not just during the semesters." He smirked, glancing around at everyone. 

"What if we have questions about what we're working on?" South raised her hand and then folded her arms. 

"Ah yes, valid question." Dr. Gates went to the whiteboard and uncapped a black dry erase marker. He wrote a ten digit number on the board with fancy penmanship. "Here is my number. Just because you have it, doesn't mean you can text me at all hours of the day. I'm not afraid to block your number." He winked. I took out my phone and inputted the number.  _Highly doubt I'll use it but, just in case._

"What about Facebook?" Someone else asked. 

"Oh sure, just don't comment anything inappropriate, aight?" He cautioned with his hands. He loved speaking with them. It always made me wonder if he was part Italian. "My Facebook name is Isaac 'Felix' Gates, the profile picture is me playing my clarinet." The professor paused. "Don't worry, I stalked all of your profiles. I'll know if it's you who added me, or a friend, or a relative. I'm proud of those who learned what the 'private' button is for." I snickered to myself. I barely had anything on Facebook to begin with. 

Dr. Gates checked his electronic watch. "Welp, I won't keep you guys any longer than necessary, bet y'all need to be studying for those finals." Audible groans could be heard around the room. "Good luck on juries and have a good break!" 

* * *

It was a week after finals and I was already bored out of my mind. 

There was nothing to do at home; the closest medium sized town was a half hour away. Welcome to rural Pennsylvania. 

I decided to pick up my instrument and play. The sound was tensed; it was obvious to myself that I haven't been practicing. But like Dr. Gates said: it was good to take a break. 

I ran through all of my scales and old technique passages I did from the last year. I worked on some nitty gritty kinks within my scales; finger flubs, fingers not lifting evenly, being in time, everything I could hear and feel that was poorly executed and not consistent. 20 minutes later I was back to my dilemma: bored as fuck with nothing to do or work on. 

I pondered messaging Dr. Gates.  _He would know what to do, right?_ I asked myself.  _Hmm, but I don't want to annoy him..._

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 12:31PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**Hi Dr. Gates, it's Grey. Hope summer has been well. I'm bored as heck and have no idea what to practice. Any suggestions?**

Not even five minutes later I got a response. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 12:35PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Hey Grey, nice to hear from you! Just hot and muggy down here. Have you played through your semester pieces? Last time I recalled, neither of them were perfect ;)**

Welp, now I had a new goal. 

* * *

Another week passed, both semester pieces perfected. I returned to being bored. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 3:08PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**I apologize to bug you again, but I cleaned both the Reade and the Hindemith. What should I work on now?**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 3:28PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Don't apologize, Grey! I love your initiative to work :) Did you work on all the movements of both pieces, the Hindemith especially? They would make great recital pieces!**

And I was back to having something to do. 

* * *

My sister took me into the nearest suburban town for errands and leisure. She knew I was bored and lonely and practicing clarinet 4 hours a day wasn't helping the cause. We walked around downtown Allentown and stumbled upon a music store. I skipped with glee as we went inside. 

Music books and charts lined the aisles and I was in paradise. I scanned each aisle until I came across the one with clarinet repertoire. I had money saved up from birthday funds and working part time as a music librarian at Concord Bay, so I could buy something. But what? 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:41AM TO: Dr. Gates]

**I'm at a local music store, what sheet music should I look into playing?**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:44AM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Hmm, look at some unaccompanied works and try them out. I also recommend the Stamitz Concerto. It might be your semester piece for the fall ;)**

* * *

 

We left 20 minutes later with three pieces of new music in my hands along with a box of reeds. I couldn't wait to start practicing. 

* * *

 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 9:20PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**You should consider the minors offered at CBU. Take a look online and get back to me about which ones interest you :)**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 9:31PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**The contemporary music minor is interesting, so does audio engineering, music theory and composition. Also; why message so late? XD**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 9:35PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Getting personal goal sheets ready for next semester. I want to know what interests you so we can start planning accordingly. Also; I work best at night :D**

* * *

Parents left for a one week vacation halfway through June. My sister took the opportunity to sneak over to her boyfriend's house and stay there all week, leaving myself to my own devices. 

I had my car and license so I wasn't confined to our property, but what really killed me was the loneliness. 

Monday was when everyone fled and I was left to fend for myself.  _No big deal,_ I thought.  _I'll just practice anywhere in the house instead of just the basement._

Tuesday was when I really started to notice the deafening silence of no one being around. No keyboard clicking, no sister bitching, no lawnmower going. It was too quiet. I ended up moving my speaker out into the hallway to play some calming techno to help me get through the day without going insane. 

Wednesday was errands day. I went into town, visited some shops and picked up some groceries to last me until Monday. It kept my mind off of the growing depression pit in my belly. 

Thursday was when things took a turn for the depressing. It rained all day, and my reeds all sounded like shit, making it extremely discouraging to practice. Halfway through the day, I just laid in bed and didn't get up. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:32PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**There's some new scholarship opportunities on the CBU Music website! Highly encourage you to check them out!**

I couldn't move Friday. My body just wanted to stay frozen in the blankets on my bed. I couldn't even convince myself to shower. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 12:01PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**How are you liking the Stamitz? It's hard, I know, I also struggled with it in undergrad, but I have faith :) Which unaccompanied pieces did you get? Berio's "Lied" is one of my personal favorites.**

I couldn't even find the courage to message my professor back. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 12:30AM TO: Lina :D]

**Hey...you up? :/**

I never got a response. 

* * *

Saturday night was literal hell. My brain had started overthinking everything 24/7. I couldn't sleep, I barely ate. I craved human interaction. 

I rocked back and forth on my bed, trying to calm down my heart rate while listening to some of my favorite film scores. My phone lit up and my swollen eyes gazed down at it. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 1:45AM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Grey, are you doing okay? You haven't messaged back, which is highly unusual. I am here to talk if you ever need to.**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 1:46AM TO: Dr. Gates]

**Stumbled into a depression. I've been alone all week. Couldn't practice. Haven't showered. It's been rough.**

Not even a minute later, the music ceased through my earbuds as my standard ringtone played. My hands fumbled for my phone, not even checking the Caller ID. 

"H-hello?" I stuttered, gazing over at my small lamp in the corner of my room. 

"Talk to me, Grey." Dr. Gates's calming voice was on the other end. I felt a sense of peace immediately wash over me as I poured my heart out to him over the phone. I told him about the entire week and how lonely I've been, all while sobbing. He quietly listened on his end, I could picture him nodding along to my rambling. It felt nice to actually interact with someone. 

"Oh Grey...you shouldn't treat yourself like that." He cooed as my breath shuddered. "I know it's late, but at least go brush your hair. I promise you'll feel better. I'll stay on the line the whole time." I could hear him give a comforting smile. I sniffled. 

"I-I don't wanna-"

"Grey, honey, please." Dr. Gates was firm yet gentle. "I've dealt with depression, and I know how it is to feel like the world is against you and like everything is impossible. You don't even have to look yourself in the mirror. Just, run a brush through your hair, okay? Like I said, I'll stay on the line." 

I gulped and slowly got to my feet, the wood boards creaking beneath me. "O-okay, I'm standing." 

"Good," His voice was a calming excited. "Now, make your way to the bathroom, or wherever you keep your combs. You don't have to turn on the house lights, use your phone's flashlight if you need to." He guided over the phone as I tiptoed over my rug. I went over to my dresser, searching with an outreached hand. My fingers grazed over the brush's handle and I picked it up. 

"I got my brush."

"Very good, Grey. Take out any hair ties in your hair and then start brushing from the bottom up, be careful not to rip your hair." 

I followed his instructions, first removing the hair tie that was snagged into a giant knot on top of my head. After 5 minutes of me grunting in frustration, cursing to myself, and apologizing for cursing in front of my professor, the hair tie was disposed onto my dresser. 

I brushed my rather short hair, starting from the ends and working my way up as Dr. Gates suggested. I heard him humming a tune to a familiar piece in the background to fill the silence as I brushed. My hair was extremely greasy, I knew I needed to shower. 

"How's it coming along?" His gentle voice came back after about 10 minutes. 

"It..." I ran my fingers through my hair, no knots to be found. "It feels great. Minus being dirty." 

"I'm so proud of you, Grey." Dr. Gates cooed with happiness. "How do you feel?" 

"I...I feel...better." I slightly smiled to myself. "Thank you..." 

"Not a problem, Grey. Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?" 

"I-I would really appreciate it." 

* * *

He talked to me for two hours before I passed out. He was telling me stories about his college years and how dumb he was. I don't even remember falling asleep. 

I woke up late Sunday morning with a text message. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 5:23AM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**I think you fell asleep, but I'm glad to help. Seriously, if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to reach out, even if it's as small as you being lonely. I'm here to support you. Take the day for self-care, you're gonna do great!**

He was my favorite professor. 

* * *

Sunday was spent taking care of myself as Dr. Gates suggested. I took a long, much needed shower, organized my room, cleaned my sheets and prepped a home cooked meal for one. He texted throughout the day to check in on me. I appreciated every text and made sure to reply. 

Monday hit and everyone came flooding back in. First it was my sister, arriving nearly minutes before our parents rushed through the door. I kept her secret safe. Our parents asked us what we did and both of us supported each other's fibs. Apparently we spent the week making food for ourselves, going into town and watching movies. It was a better imaginary week than what I had experienced. 

* * *

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:12PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Hi Grey! Hope you're doing well, the semester is quickly approaching and the audition time slots for the fall ensembles are online! Hope you've been practicing ;) Looking forward to seeing you back on campus!**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:15PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**Yeah, I'm feeling much better, thank you. Yeah, I got the email, already signed up. Really looking forward for this school year, I missed our lessons and talks, can't wait to see you! :D**

I contemplated sending that, but I did anyway. I was so ready to go back to Florida. 

 


	6. Sophomore Year, Fall: Dona Nobis Pacem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will make reference to an 'A Clarinet' which is different than the typical soprano clarinet you see in wind ensembles. It just means all the notes are lowered by one half step, nothing too fancy.

"Grey, may I ask you something?" It was in the middle of my second lesson for the semester when Dr. Gates immediately got an overzealous look on his face. 

"Um, sure, should I sit?" I asked, placing my instrument down on its stand. The professor chuckled. 

"Only if you want to. I'm too excited to sit." He bounced on the balls of his feet like an innocent child as I took a seat in one of the comfy chairs. "So, as you know, I perform with the Concord Area Symphony, and for this upcoming concert we're doing the piece 'Dona Nobis Pacem'. Have you heard of it?" 

I bit my lip. "Um, unfortunately no."

"That's fine, I'm not expecting you to know  _every_ classical piece written," Dr. Gates continued. "Anyway, our other clarinetist is out on maternity leave and the director asked me if I could have one of my students fill the position..." He led on.

"Are you gonna ask one of the seniors?" Dr. Gates scoffed. 

"Heck no! They've already had plenty experience, also, they're all focused on their recitals. I wouldn't want to add this pressure to them..." He finally sat down at his desk. "I'm asking you." 

"...me?" I said in a shy manner. "But, why?" 

"But why, Grey? Seriously?" He chuckled once more. "Your work ethic is impeccable, you're improving every week in noticeable ways, and you're reliable. Why  _wouldn't_ I ask you?" Dr. Gates was extremely excited with his choice. 

"But...what about..." 

"Are you nervous about what others are going to say?" His voice grew quiet as he leaned forward. "Grey, don't think too much about what others say. If they're upset that I view you as the best of the studio, then they should work harder." He stuck his nose into the air. "Besides, if they have issues with it, they should be talking to  _me_ , not you." 

I let out a sigh. 

"Well? Do you want the gig?" 

"Wait, it's paid?" 

"I mean..." The professor leaned back in his chair, playing with his orange tie. "Would that make you more interested?" 

"It's a nice perk-"

"I'll pay you $200 for it." 

"Like, you pay me? And not the group?" 

The professor nodded. "Grey, I really want you to play this piece. Yes, I'll pay you." 

"Then, yeah, I'll do it. When do we rehearse?" 

* * *

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:45PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Just found out, first rehearsal is this Saturday from 12-3pm. I'll drive us since I know you don't have a car. Where do you live?**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:47PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**Leroy Hall on West Side of campus. When do we leave?**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 4:51PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**It's a half hour drive, so I'll pick you up at 11:15. Don't be late ;)**

* * *

I waited outside my dorm hall, case in hand at 11:11am. Carolina knew where I was going and she made sure her number was on speed dial on my phone. Even though I've only praised Dr. Gates, she still didn't trust him, which was understandable. 

A sleek black SUV pulled up to the curb and the window rolled down. Dr. Gates sat in the driver's seat with black sunglasses. 

"Early, I like that." I approached the car as it unlocked, placing my clarinet on the floor in front before climbing in. I shut the door and then buckled myself in as he drove off. 

"Nice car," I stated, looking around at the pristine interior. The radio was on, listening to the pop hits. 

"Why thank you, I take pride in my possessions." Dr. Gates beamed from ear to ear. “You excited for your first professional gig?”

I nodded with a gulp. “Yeah, just slightly nervous.” I added. Dr. Gates scoffed while leaving Concord Bay’s campus. 

“Relax, you’ll be fine,” He soothed. “Your playing is amazing, we’re all going to be sight reading so if you mess up, no big deal.” He turned onto the highway, getting up to speed with the flow of traffic. I sat back in the leather seat and stared out the window. 

“I suppose.” I commented with worry in my voice. 

“Grey, you need to be more confident.” Dr. Gates spoke in a calm manner. "Your musical abilities are strong, and you have a desire to grow. A lot of people either admire that or wish they had those skills." 

"I guess so." 

"Grey?" 

"Yeah, Dr. Gates?" 

"Stop doubting yourself." 

* * *

He drove into a high school parking lot, maneuvering around parked cars and musicians walking into the building. 

"Do you know who has what part?" I finally asked as he parked his car in an empty slot. 

"Hmm, not sure. The director just told me to find another clarinetist, and so I did." Dr. Gates smiled over at me while unbuckling himself. He unlocked the car and we both got out, cases in hand. 

Dr. Gates led both of us inside the school building, I assumed he knew where rehearsal was located. I gazed around.  _Huh, this school is way nicer than my high school. Maybe cuz it's not rural PA._

"Welcome, everyone!" I heard someone say as we entered the auditorium. "You'll find your names and parts on the stands, get settled in, downbeat is in ten minutes." A guy on the conductor's podium announced. I followed Dr. Gates to the back of the orchestra's seating area. 

"Ah, here we are." He grunted, carefully stepping around chairs, stands and other musicians. I followed. "Let's see, I sit here...and...ah yes, Grey, you're here." He directed me to the seat next to his chair on his left. I hauled my case off of my shoulder, then moving it to the floor as I sat down in the black chair. My name was tacked on a sticky note to the front of the music. I gasped. 

"Wait, there has to be a mistake." 

Dr. Gates glanced over, already assembling his instrument. "I don't think so." My eyes stared in awe. What the fuck was going on? 

* * *

"Wait, so you're playing the first clarinet part? In a giant piece like that?" Carolina was spread across her bed in her room while I paced. 

"Yeah! Dr. Gates was so nonchalant about it too! Like...was it purposeful? Or did he not care? I don't fucking know!" The second I got back from rehearsal I was in full overthinking mode, and Carolina got to deal with it. 

"Hmm," She broke a piece off of a candy bar and chucked it into her mouth. "Did you talk to him about it?"

"No! I've been too...timid." My voice relaxed as I slumped over into Carolina's desk chair. "I dunno, I just feel all this pressure to be even better than before..." 

"Grey, from what it seems, you're going to do fine. Maybe he's pushing you more by doing this." She shrugged, looking back down at her laptop. I sighed. 

"Maybe..." The uncertainty in my gut was killing me. How could he even trust me with the part?

* * *

The entire rest of the weekend was spent contemplating how to talk to Dr. Gates about the part situation and practicing my part. To be honest, it was fairly straight forward; the part was simple but intermixed with everything else made it sound complicated. I was in a practice room in the music building when-

"Shit, I need the A clarinet." I mumbled, forgetting that Dr. Gates had brought them with us to rehearsal but didn't give me mine yet. He had to tag it with his name and contact information first. 

I stumbled out of the practice room, not having left it in two hours and took the elevator up to the third floor. I arrived, exiting and following the long hallway around to the other side of the rectangular building to where his office was located. It was interesting to be here when no one was around. 

His door was cracked open, with a soft light coming from the other side.  _Shit he's actually here,_ I thought, making a careful approach. I looked like crap; hair in a messy bun, oversized sweatshirt, sweatpants and socks with flip flops. Even though it was hot outside, the music building was always an ice box. 

I pushed open the door with ease. "Dr. Gates?" 

The professor looked up from his computer, a warm smile spreading across his face. "Ah, Grey, it's...surprising to see you." He chuckled lightly. "What are you doing here on a Sunday? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" 

"I uh...no, I was practicing." I stepped closer to his desk. "Do you have the A clarinet?" I asked timidly. 

"Oh, yes! Thank you for reminding me..." He graciously stood up from his desk and went over to the metal bookshelf that housed an assortment of cases. "Let's see...here it is." He pulled out a clarinet case and opened it. "Yup, it's got my info all there, just in case it gets lost." He chuckled, closing the case and handed it over to me. "Take good care of it, okay?" 

"Why am I on first?" I blurted out, looking up at my professor with concerned eyes. Dr. Gates sighed. 

"I figured you would ask sooner or later..." His voice trailed. "Have a seat." He gestured me over to the chairs in front of his desk. I sat down, anxiously waiting for an answer. "Grey, I know you doubt yourself, and I know every musician doubts themselves at one point or another. I mean, I did too." Dr. Gates pointed to himself. "Putting you on the first clarinet part I feel will help you draw out that confidence. I need you to learn how to play and act confident. Does that make sense?" 

"Yeah but..." 

"No buts." Dr. Gates interjected. "I trust you to know your part, and you're even practicing on a  _Sunday_ ," He emphasized, tapping the clarinet case on the desk. "You went out of your way to even come pick this up, too. That's how I know you'll do an amazing job." 

I sat in silence, fiddling with the string ties on my hoodie. Dr. Gates tilted his head. "Something's bugging you. Tell me." 

"...it feels weird to sit in the first chair next to my professor on the second part..." I admitted. 

"That's the fun part!" Dr. Gates gestured big with his arms while leaning back in his chair. "Sitting principal means you get to tell me all the shit I do wrong. If you want to." He chuckled once more. 

"...even if you're my professor?" 

"Yup!" He gave a devilish grin. He must've planned this shit or something. 

* * *

 

It was the second rehearsal, with four more to go prior to the concert. It ran smoothly; I knew all of my parts, now it was figuring out how it all fit together with the entire ensemble and how the conductor was going to do the transitions.

Dr. Gates and I would exchange looks every time the director made a funny comment or something happened. We learned to communicate through facial expressions and passing a paper between us.

Towards the end of the piece when we had an insane amount of rests, we both looked at each other during a certain chord progression and instantly fell in love with it. Every time the horns and trombones played, both Dr. Gates and I sighed and relaxed our upper body; it was an orgasm to our ears. 

Who knew playing in a professional orchestra would be this much fun. 

Who knew Dr. Gates would nerd out over something so simple as a chord progression.

* * *

"Grey, could we go over the Vaughn-Williams?" The professor asked during my next lesson. I nodded, pulling out the music from my multi-folder. "There's some unison sections I would like to touch on our own."

"Which movement?" I asked, placing the music onto the stand. 

"The last one, Movement 6." He directed, pulling out his copy of the music and pulled up another music stand. "Let's take a look at the part at rehearsal marking 32." 

"Oh, so when we pass off the eighth notes to each other?" 

"Yep! It's good you're aware of what's going on between both parts. You're learning." Dr. Gates winked in my direction. "Alright, since you're first chair, count off." He put his clarinet mouthpiece to his lips and waited for my cue."

"1...2...1, 2, 3, and-" We began playing. I noticed discrepancies between each other as I cut us off. "Um, something's not sounding the same..." 

"Good, you're noticing a difference." Dr. Gates smiled. "Can you figure it out?" He played by himself as I listened for all the details. His tone was fine, no finger flubs, the articulation-

"You're not clipping the notes short enough." I realized as he stopped playing. 

"Good job picking that up! Now your job as principal player is to match the style of the strings and flutes, and then I match to you." The professor coached. I smiled and then nodded. 

"Makes sense. Well, in that case..." I started to ask him other sections to work on. Dr. Gates beamed. He was happy I was taking my role seriously. 

* * *

 It was the dress rehearsal for the concert. Dr. Gates and I have practiced our parts together and it overall sounded good with the rest of the ensemble. Even with that feeling, I still felt...anxious. 

“Grey,” Dr. Gates’s voice cut through the sound of everyone warming up around us. "Don't be nervous. You're going to do fine." 

"But what if I mess-"

"Who cares, Grey. Nobody knows your part but maybe half of the musicians and myself, and I know I won't judge you." He reached for my hand and took it in his nimble hand. "Just give the best performance you can, and enjoy it. It's not everyday you play this piece. Most musicians don't even play it their entire music career." I looked down at my hand in his as he gently caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. I felt his gaze on me, a comforting presence. "Just have fun, okay?" 

* * *

"Carolina, I need advice." It was two days before the concert. 

"No, you're not allowed to drink until  _after_ your performance." Carolina sneered a remark as I rolled my eyes. 

"First off, I don't drink, secondly, why would you assume that?" 

"Cuz you're stressed as fuck and probably need 3 shots of vodka to calm down." She snorted. 

"Lina, come on." I pulled her into my room where three outfits lay on my bed. "Which one should I wear?" 

"What is this, a funeral?" She looked at the three entirely black outfits. I released a heavy sigh. 

"No, I have to wear black for the performance." I tugged at the long sleeved shirt on the bed. Carolina mouthed "Oh" while walking over to the selection. 

"Hmm. What are you supposed to wear?" 

"The director said females can wear either a long skirt or dress slacks." I paused. "I don't wear skirts so you can probably see where this is going." 

"I see." Carolina picked up a pair of black dress pants. "Do all the clothes fit?" 

"Yeah." 

"This is tough." 

"I know, that's why I'm asking for help." 

"Why don't you ask your professor?" 

I stopped in my tracks. "...what?" 

"You heard me." She snarked, putting a hand on her hip. "Why don't you ask Dr. Gates? Wouldn't he know?" 

"I mean, I suppose so...I would feel weird sending him a picture of me..."

"Oh come on, you're just asking for some fashion advice. Isn't he like, always really well-dressed or something?" 

I nodded. "Yeah. He matches his socks with his tie color." 

Carolina laughed. "Okay, maybe a bit  _too_ much," She walked out of the door frame. "Just don't send him nudes!" 

* * *

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 10:03PM TO: Dr. Gates]

 **Hey, I'm having a hard time picking an outfit to wear...help?** [THREE IMAGE ATTACHMENTS]

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 10:11PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Black shirt from first picture with the tight-ish dress pants in the third picture with the shoes in the second.**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 10:15PM TO: Dr. Gates]

 **So...this?** [ONE IMAGE ATTACHMENT]

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 10:17PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Yes! Looks good, maybe pull your hair back, once the stage lights are on, we sweat like crazy. Have some confidence, Grey. You look great :D**

* * *

Carolina drove us to the high school for the performance. She vowed not to miss it, especially knowing my family wouldn't be able to make the trek from Pennsylvania to be here. She was the closest thing I had to family while at Concord Bay. 

The car ride was spent mostly in silence with the radio humming quietly in the background. I was focusing. I was nervous. 

"You'll be great. Just don't let it bother you." Carolina finally spoke as she headed for the exit ramp off of the highway. I sighed, nodding to her notion. It still didn't put me at ease. 

* * *

I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

I sat backstage in the band room, my hands fiddling. The other musicians mingled around, speaking to one another and laughing. I kept my gaze down, not wanting to make conversation. 

"Hello Grey," I heard a voice. I looked and stood up out of instinct, smoothing out my pants. Dr. Gates stood in front of me, his suit jacket over his shoulder, and his crisp white shirt tucked neatly into his black dress pants. He wore slightly heeled shoes; he hated being his short 5'8" self from what I've noticed. He greeted with a warm smile while his eyes glanced down and then up my body. "You look...amazing." His eyes twinkled with the compliment as my cheeks blushed a rosy red. 

"Um...t-thank you..." I stuttered, rubbing my arm, adverting his gaze. He set down his instrument case and threw on his suit jacket, buttoning the middle button. I gulped. The nerves really started to kick in. "E-excuse me..." I bolted out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. I flung the door open and went over to a sink. I leaned over it, breathing heavily. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:43PM FROM: Lina :D]

**Got good seats, York even came too! :D We're excited to see you perform!! PS: York says 'Break a leg'!**

Fuck me, more people I knew. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:44PM TO: Lina :D]

**Nervous breakdown in the bathroom. I can't calm down.**

I felt like I was going to vomit. My necklace dangled over the sink as I grunted, my gut lurching. The door flew open and-

"Hey, you good?" Carolina was by my side, her callused hand resting gently on my back while she breathed heavily. She must've ran from the auditorium to be here with me. My breath shook, tears in my eyes. 

"I don't think I can do this..." My voice wavered as Carolina rubbed my back. 

"Yes you can, Grey. You've been practicing so hard for this, you're more than prepared." She tried to comfort. I stood up straight, arms leaning against the counter and sniffled. "Come on, let's get some fresh air. This bathroom smells like preppy teenagers." She guided me out of the bathroom only to see-

"Oh Grey, honey..." Dr. Gates immediately came over to me and placed a hand gently on my face. "What's wrong?" Him and Carolina took me to a secluded area of the music wing of the high school, away from the rest of the performers. 

"I-I don't feel ready..." I panicked, my breathing intensified. Carolina stood a few feet back as Dr. Gates pulled me in for a comforting hug. I planted my face onto his shoulder as he gently rubbed my back. 

"Shh, you're more than ready, you sounded amazing in your lesson and you know your shit." He whispered into my ear while rocking me back and forth. My breath shuddered. "I'll be right next to you the whole time, you're not alone." 

"I-I'm scared..."

"It's okay to feel nervous, I remember my first orchestra debut, I was a wreck." Dr. Gates reminisced. "But after I got onto stage, everything fell into place, and the performance was one of the most memorable ones I've had." I felt his lips graze against my ear and I shivered. "You're going to be great, Grey." He pulled me away from his embrace and he wiped tear tracks off of my cheeks. 

"...you think so?" I asked timidly, looking between Dr. Gates and Carolina. She offered a warm smile and nodded. 

"Absolutely." I breathed deeply, smelling the professor's cologne. It was sweet with a hint of spice. Surprisingly, it was calming. 

I felt my heart relax as I released my grip from Dr. Gates. He placed his hands on my shoulders with a firm grip. 

"I-I guess..." I stuttered with a gulp. The professor instructed me to do some deep breathing exercises and I followed suit. Carolina took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

"I'm gonna go sit in the audience. Enjoy yourself!" She smiled and walked away. Dr. Gates caressed my face once more. 

"Feeling better?" He cooed with a smile. I thought for a moment and then nodded. 

"Yeah. I-I'm ready." 

"Good. Let's kick ass." 

* * *

Minutes later and we were out on the stage, warming up. Dr. Gates and I played a few short duets to help get in tune with each other and my style. Perhaps that was his way of getting my nerves to calm down. Admittedly, it helped. 

The lights in the house died down as we stood to be acknowledged while the conductor came onto the stage. I stood, peering over to Dr. Gates as he gave a bright smile to the audience. I proceeded to do the same while holding my clarinet. 

The audience's applause faded away as we were motioned to sit down while an announcer went over to the podium to explain a little bit about the piece. I didn't pay attention, I was focused on the task at hand: give a flawless performance. 

The conductor soon stepped onto the podium and held up his baton. I put my instrument to my mouth. And so it began. 

* * *

We made it all the way through until Movement 6, where something hit me hard. Feelings. 

I listened to the male solo vocalist while watching the conductor closely. We had 40 measures of rest. The chord structure...the hope that lied within the music...I felt an overwhelming sense of peace as the chord resolved. I leaned back in my chair with a silent sigh, just like Dr. Gates and I would do during rehearsals throughout this entire chord sequence. Something touched my hand while it was draped to the side. 

It was Dr. Gates's. 

While staring straight forward, he gently squeezed my hand and let go, releasing a small smile as he sat upright, preparing for his entrance. I followed the cues for his part in my music, coming in for my entrance as we passed off the part to each other. We bobbed up and down ever so slightly with our instruments, keeping in time with each other and the conductor. I couldn't help but smile through my embouchure as we hit the faster section of the music, the choir singing their hearts out behind us about peace. We then played octaves; playing in tune with each other as I gestured over to Dr. Gates for the entrance. I saw a smile come from the corners of his mouth, glad to see his student fully embracing the role of principal chair.

Then finally; the impact moment. We rang out high notes, completely in tune at our loudest possible dynamic as the orchestra died off to let the choir and female vocalist finish acapella. I let out a shaky breath. I was emotionally taken away by how...beautiful the performance was. I gently placed my clarinet on its stand, wiping a tear of joy from my eye. I saw Dr. Gates peer over at me and give a warm smile. I knew he was proud of me. I was proud of me.

The voice of the soloist faded to nothing as the crowd roared with applause, accompanied by a standing ovation. The conductor told us to stand for recognition, and I reached over to hold Dr. Gates's hand. He took it and squeezed, leaning over to me. "Savor this moment." He whispered as I smiled big. This was the reason I loved performing. 

* * *

"Oh my god, that was amazing!" I was bombarded by Carolina and her totally-not-more-than-friend, York. She hugged me while avoiding having my two instruments and music drop from my arms.

"Aw, thanks Lina," I said back to her, getting the air squeezed out of me. 

"Told ya you'd be fine." I heard from a voice behind me. Dr. Gates appeared, also holding his set of instruments and music. "Look at that, you just did your first official gig and did you die? Nope!" 

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. You were right. I'm sorry." I said in a teasing tone. He chuckled, a light coming to his eyes. 

"Could we get a picture?" He asked innocently, turning towards me. 

"Um sure! Lina, could you...?" I passed off my folder to York who had his hands out, and Carolina set up her phone. Dr. Gates and I positioned ourselves in front of the stage, both clarinets in hand. 

"Alright, smile in 1...2...3!" She snapped a few photos. "Okay, how about one without the instruments?" We set our instruments off to the side and I awkwardly stood next to him. "Grey, look like you like the guy, okay?" She teased as Dr. Gates put an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. 

"Relax Grey, you're stiff as a board," He patted my shoulder and I loosened up, putting an arm around his torso. I smiled bright, his cologne still smelling strong. I was in a happy place. 

* * *

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:23PM FROM: Lina :D]

 **Y'all look cute ;) Don't go fucking him behind my back lolol** [3 IMAGE ATTACHMENTS]

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:25PM TO: Lina :D]

**Oh shush, you go fuck York and I'll stay over here >.>**

I stared at the pictures. Him and I looked really good together. Like  _really_ good together. I couldn't help the redness in my cheeks while looking at us in the pictures from mere hours ago. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:29PM TO: Dr. Gates] 

 **Here's the pictures from tonight. Thank you so much for the amazing opportunity!** [3 IMAGE ATTACHMENTS]

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:36PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

 **I'll give you a check for participating on Monday. And of course, you're the best at CBU, why wouldn't I give you the chance!** :) 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:38PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Mind if I post these online on Facebook and tag you? We look really good and I want to share the experience with everyone!**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:39PM TO: Dr. Gates]

**Sure! :D**

Minutes later, a post popped onto my feed: 

_Isaac Gates: Feeling Blessed!_

_Had the opportunity of a lifetime to play "Dona Nobis Pacem" with one of my undergrad students **Grey Nevada** this evening. What a thrilling experience! Thank you to all who came out to support the local orchestra and choir, we worked hard to put this piece together. Special thanks to Grey for working her butt off to pull off a FLAWLESS performance. So proud of what my students are able to accomplish with a little bit of hard work! #ProudProfessor_

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 12:10AM FROM: Sis :3]

**Hey, saw that post. Looking good sista! Who's the stud, mind if I hit it with him? ;D lol jk, don't get too crazy. Love and miss you xoxo**

I smiled to myself. The piece granted me peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Dona Nobis Pacem' is a piece I had the chance to play while attending my university in the orchestra. It translates from Latin to "Grant Us Peace". It is a fantastic piece, I drew inspiration for this chapter from specifically the last movement (Movement 6), I highly recommend listening to it. When I say that this is a "once in a lifetime opportunity", it truly is. This work reminds me how much I love doing what I do on the daily basis and why I strive to be the best musician possible. Thank you for reading this far and I hope y'all are enjoying the story!


	7. Sophomore Year, March: Tensions

Spring break was...awkward. 

I came home to a warm welcome, and left with cold stares. I...couldn't understand why. 

Was it that I talked so highly about Dr. Gates and all of the opportunities he gave me? Was it that I literally spent 3 hours everyday practicing in the basement on top of researching jobs and internships for the summer? Was it because I'm starting to grow out of wanting to be home and wanting to be on my own? 

I couldn't figure it out. And it bugged the shit out of me. 

* * *

It was week 9 of the semester, I already had advisement with Dr. Gates, registered for classes and signed up to live on campus with Carolina again for the following year. My life was squared away in regards to school but...I still had this empty feeling my chest This feeling of...uncertainty. 

"Dr. Gates?" I knocked on the door. It was an early Saturday afternoon and I already finished my daily dose of practicing. It was a long shot that he would be around. 

The door clicked and opened, a casually-dressed Dr. Gates behind it. "Grey, come on in!" He ushered me inside and shut the door. "Surprised to see you pop by, but I assumed you were practicing?" 

"Like always," I replied, my voice catching. He meandered around to the other side of his desk and he remained standing. 

Dr. Gates stopped in his tracks of scanning the papers neatly scattered over his desk. His eyes gazed over my face. "Something is wrong, I know it." 

"I...yeah." I said with a defeated sigh.

"Come. Sit." He held out an arm and guided me to the floor-to-ceiling windows, two chairs placed in front of them. Dr. Gates took a seat in the one on the right, so I sat on the left. The view was...amazing. I never took the time to stare out his window of the office. 

"Wow..." I awed, my eyes scanning the intertwined pathways, trees, luscious landscapes, benches and the lake that Concord Bay was built next to. "This is beautiful..."

"My favorite sitting spot." Dr. Gates beamed, sitting back in the curved chair, crossing his legs. "Whenever I need a breather, I stare out the window. Landscaping does a good job with maintaining campus."

"They do a  _great_ job," I emphasized, then sighed. I looked down, my hands fidgeting. 

"So what's the reason you decided to drop by on a Saturday?" Dr. Gates pushed gently. 

"I wish I knew, Dr. Gat-"

"Grey, we're talking casually, you can drop the formalities. Call me Isaac. Or Felix. Your preference." 

My face rushed red, it felt weird to even think of the idea of calling my professor by his first name. "O-okay, um, Isaac..." His name rolled smoothly off my tongue. 

"There ya go, much better. Way less official." Isaac chuckled. "But, you don't know what's bugging you?" 

"No..." 

"That's okay. We can just sit and chat. I do have a psychology minor, after all." 

* * *

We talked for probably at least an hour if not longer. He let me guide the conversation as he nodded along and prodded my mind when I got quiet. Eventually he got up and made two cups of tea from his Keurig. He said it helped him think clearly. 

"So your parents just suddenly...stopped caring?" Isaac asked after taking a long sip of the warm tea in his hands. 

"Kinda, yeah, I guess. I uh...don't know why." 

Isaac's fingers fiddled against his cup as he sat in thought. "Summarize your conversations you had with them." 

My face blushed red. "Um...I talked about you a lot..." 

Isaac chuckled and shook his head. "Well, I'm flattered." I saw a light redness in his cheeks. Was he...blushing?

"I'm more worried about what others think, though." I looked down. "Parents I only see for breaks but...I have to suffer next to these people everyday..."

"Do you mean in terms of the studio?" 

I nodded. 

"Grey, don't think of them and their jealousies. You're my best student, and we get along well. Nothing bad about that, right?" 

"N-no..." 

"Exactly. It's a harmless professor-student relationship." He affirmed. I think he was picking up on why I was nervous about the studio members. "Besides, I like getting to know my students. It makes it easier to write letters of rec when it's time for them to graduate." Isaac chuckled. "I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to talk about your problems with me." 

"Me too." I sighed. Honestly, it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't Carolina or my sister. He was a neutral opinion. 

* * *

I was wide awake and there was no way I was falling asleep soon. 

Sophomore year felt like it had just started but it's almost over. I'll be a junior soon. An upperclassman. 

I rolled over to my side. 

I made friends, yeah, like Carolina and her I-Think-They're-Official-Now boyfriend York, along with a few other music majors outside of the clarinet studio. But...the best thing that's happened to me was Dr. Gates. 

He gave me everything I had in terms of being a music student here. He encouraged me, he fostered my growth - he fucking believed in me. 

I felt a warm feeling in my chest accompanied by an accelerated heart rate. 

 _Am I...developing feelings for him...?_ I pondered, my eyes narrowing into the dark shadows of my room.  _No, I shouldn't...I can't...it's not okay..._  

I rolled onto my back. 

_I mean, I could wait until after I graduate but...Grey, what are you thinking? He's your PROFESSOR, he's probably just being overly nice._

_But...why would he? He has no reason to. Every other clarinet student complains about his harsh tendencies except me. He never had to be harsh. Or even if he could have, he didn't. And the numerous times he's stayed up and talked to me while I was going through a depressed patch, he didn't HAVE to do that._

_Does he...really like me back?_

_No. I can't. There are guys our age much better than him. I'll prove it._

 

 


	8. Junior Year, Fall: Ex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for abusive relationships!!!

I found a guy. And he was...cute. 

Tall, muscular, always wears muscle shirts...a guy a lot of people would love to date. And I was lucky enough to have him. 

We texted all summer, to the point where I think Dr. Gates got secretly jealous. He kept me from being lonely and I kept him from being bored. It was really nice. 

He asked me out the first night back at school after my wind ensemble audition. He had taken me to the garden area outside the music building, the same garden visible from Dr. Gates's office, plopped me under a weeping willow tree and asked me out using a music note necklace. I said yes. 

It felt like it was going to be a wonderful semester. 

* * *

Two weeks later, we had our first big fight. I thought it was normal; all couples fight. I came home to our apartment and Lina greeted me with consolation and reassurance. York was there too, but playing on the Xbox. 

Carolina and I talked for awhile and I eventually retired to my room to study. I was startled by how many messages I got: 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:46PM FROM: Babe <3]

**I can't believe you thought I was wrong...**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:48PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Wow, not gonna answer, huh?**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:52PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Why are you ignoring me? Don't ignore me.**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 6:55PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Seriously, don't ignore me. Where did you go?**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:09PM FROM: Babe <3]

**You better answer me soon...**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:15PM TO: Babe <3]

**Hi, sorry, was bombarded by Lina with questions about living off campus next year.**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:16PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Don't take forever to respond. Why don't we live together? :D**

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:18PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Maybe, not sure yet on financials!! <3**

I thought everything was fine. 

* * *

Another week passed and we ended up with another fight. This time, Carolina and York were there to witness it. 

He stormed out of the apartment after I had forgotten to order him spring rolls from the Chinese place. I cried and called him but he wouldn't answer. 

"Grey, that man is a dick to be that upsetti over a spring roll." York commented while chewing on a dumpling. Carolina nearly socked the man's arm. 

"'Upsetti'? What type of lingo is that?" She sassed. 

"The new age shit, all the kiddos are saying it now." He laughed. She had daggers in her eyes. 

"Anyway," She turned away from her chuckling boyfriend and over to me. "Maybe you guys need a break. You shouldn't be having raging arguments over this small stuff." 

"I dunno..." I replied, sniffling. 

Later that evening I returned to my room. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:38PM TO: Babe <3]

**I'm sorry for not ordering you a spring roll...I feel bad about it.**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 7:40PM FROM: Babe <3]

**Don't forget next time.**

* * *

The fighting turned into everyday occurrences. 

I cried often and I could tell Carolina was sick of it. She would console me but I kept ignoring her words. No one was getting through to me. Not even Dr. Gates. 

My lessons were trash. My scales were fine but everything else sucked. I couldn't focus. Dr. Gates would look at me with sorrowful eyes and shake his head. He knew I was struggling but he didn't want to intervene. I appreciated the space. 

"Grey, you  _need_ to have this down by next week, okay?" He said while writing in my lesson journal. "Juries are sooner than they appear, and I don't want your grade to slip." 

I stuttered an 'okay', packed up my instrument and left. 

Who knew relationships were this messy. 

* * *

Soon he asked me to go on birth control. 

"Do you mean...for when we do stuff...?" I asked in a teasing voice. He chuckled and shook his head. 

"Obviously, I mean, I'm not ready to have kids...yet." He tickled me and I fell onto my bed. He covered me with a plethora of kisses. This was when I felt good. 

I soon went to the Wellness Center on campus and got the rod in my arm. The nurse said it was good for three years and it helped regulate my period too. So I guess it had two purposes, which was nice to know. 

* * *

I hit another slump. It was midterms and Music History was kicking my ass. 

"I can't do this..." I flung my papers in front of me in frustration. My phone lit up. 

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 8:45PM FROM: Dr. Gates]

**Hello Grey, I know you've been struggling, and know that my door is always open for you. Whatever it is, I'm here to listen. I know you'll ace your midterms! >:D**

He gave me the strength needed to keep going. 

* * *

"Why the fuck is your professor messaging you?!" He had stolen my phone. 

"Because that's how we communicate regarding lessons and music?" I responded, reaching for the phone. He held it out of my grasp and scowled. 

"I don't allow it!" He threw my phone onto the ground and it shattered into a million pieces. My jaw gaped. 

"...why..." I slouched over, looking at the remains of my phone. "...I'm sorry..." I croaked out, as he walked to the door. 

"You better be." He slammed it shut. 

* * *

I was nearly late to my lesson as Dr. Gates came out the door, dressed above his normal attire. 

"Grey, what are you doing here?" He asked me in a confused voice. 

"W-what do you mean, I have my lesson today."

"I had to move your lesson to Friday because I had an emergency staff meeting today," He fixed the cuffs of his jacket while locking his office door. "I sent you a text." My heart sank. 

"Oh um...my phone broke..." My voice dropped and I looked down. Dr. Gates stopped his movement and gently gazed at me. 

"Oh I'm sorry about that," He bit his lip. "How so?" 

I flubbed for an excuse. "I was running to class and it fell out of my pocket and...it shattered." Dr. Gates believed the lie and nodded. 

"That's unfortunate. So, our lesson is 1pm on Friday, I'll email you. Love to talk, but I gotta run," He glanced at his watch and bolted pass me, briefcase in hand. I missed our talks. 

* * *

"Grey come onnnnnnnn," He started to tease me as we laid on his bed. "You got the rod, let's have some fun~,"

"I'm not in the mood," I grumbled, laying on my side. He chuckled and caressed my hip. 

"Why not, how about I get you in the mood?" He leaned in and kissed my cheek, soon turning me over to kiss my lips. I pushed him off, sitting up. 

"No, babe, I'm sorry." I coughed, getting off of his bed. He jumped off as well and pushed me into the wall with force. 

"No one says no to me." He planted a sloppy kiss on my lips as he began to thrust his pelvis against me. I did the only thing that came to mind. 

I kneed his groin. 

"FUCK!" He yelped as I hurriedly grabbed my belongings and ran out of his room. "YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" 

* * *

I closed and locked our apartment door and bawled. I sulked my way to my room, passing York who sat on the couch. 

"Grey...?" He spoke up, pausing the video game and followed me. I flew open my bedroom door, dropped my backpack next to my desk and fell to my knees. York caught me and pulled me in for a hug. "Hey, what's got you down?" He spoke gently. 

"...why aren't I perfect..." I mumbled through tears as York guided me over to my bed. He wrapped my favorite blanket around me - it so happened to be a Christmas gift from Dr. Gates last year - and sat next to me. 

"No one can be perfect." He simply stated, a hand gently placed on my upper back. "That includes you." 

"I..." I planted my head into York's shoulder as he rocked me. 

"What happened?" 

"He...wanted to do things and I didn't want to do...he pushed me to a wall and I kinda...kicked him in the groin."

York didn't speak for a minute. He was processing. 

"Good for you for standing your ground." He softly affirmed my actions. We both heard the apartment door open. "It's Lina, I'm gonna go say hi." 

* * *

Carolina came in after about an hour. I heard her and York talk in the common area, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I was cocooned in my donut blanket, laying my head against a pillow. 

"Hey Grey," Carolina greeted, shutting the door. I sniffled as she walked over. "May I sit?" 

"Yes," I stated as she made herself comfortable next to me on my bed. Her red hair blocked part of her face and she pushed it back. 

"Grey, I'm your best friend." She started, reaching for my hand. "I tell you everything like the way you tell me everything. We're there for each other...know that I'm telling you this because I care about you." 

"O...kay..." I slowly said, not sure of where she was going with this.

"But your relationship, it's toxic. It's not healthy. I've been with shit guys so I've experienced it first hand. He's not right for you." 

"W-what do you mean it's toxic?" I stuttered. 

"The way he talks to you. The way he treats you. You guys fight  _all_ the time. That's not normal." She listed. 

"But you and York fight." 

"Yeah but that's different. We respect one another, and our boundaries." She placed another hand on my shoulder. "Listen, I want to see you happy. I honestly do. But, this guy...he's using you." 

"For what?" 

"God only knows. To make his shitty ass feel better? I dunno." Carolina looked down. "I think you should end it."

"But...what if I don't want to?" 

"Grey, he broke your phone and tried to force you to have sex!" Carolina half-yelled. "If those aren't signs of an abusive relationship than I don't know what is." 

"Maybe cuz you never were in one."

"'Never in'...Grey are you serious?" She scowled at me. "You don't think I was abused? Grey, I have scars from when a guy pushed me down the steps!" York opened the door. 

"Um...y'all good?" 

Carolina jumped off my bed. "Grey, I'm here if you need me. But seriously, end it with him." And with that, the couple left my room. 

* * *

I came back one day from a grueling day of class to a DVD on my desk. I put down my backpack, and picked it up. There was a sticky note: 

_Carolina dropped by to ask me a few questions in regards to her being in my class and I forgot I received this from last year - take a look at it, I think you'll be inspired ;D - Dr. Gates_

I took the DVD out of its package, fired up my computer and inserted it. 

An auditorium was in picture, it was pitch black except for the stage. The first chord played-

"'Dona Nobis Pacem'..." I whispered, soon engulfed into the throwback tape to last fall. I sat, mesmerized. Then we reached Movement 6. 

I felt my heart swell along with tears in my eyes. It reminded me of how much I was dedicated to my practice. My drive. My purpose. 

I was ready to be the best I could.

* * *

That Saturday I spent the entire day in the music building, practicing not only clarinet, but piano and french horn as well. Music was all over the place in the large practice room. I was getting ready to pack up my instrument when-

"There you are." He opened the door and invited himself in. I shook, clarinet tightly in my hands. I haven't seen him in a week. 

"Hey," I greeted. "I have no money for a phone so-"

"Facebook is also on laptops, sweetie." His voice gritted. "You had ways to contact me, but nope." His face was red. He was pissed. 

"I-I'm sorry, I-" He punched me. I felt my instrument drop and my hands spazzed to protect myself but also my instrument. He came closer, cornering me. 

"No one says no to me." 

* * *

I somehow managed to maneuver my tiny frame around his and I bolted for the elevator. I pressed the button for the third floor, the doors shutting as he came into view. I huffed. 

"You better be here, Isaac," I panted, the elevator dinged upon arrival to the third floor. I ran out, tears streaming down my face. I followed the hallway to Dr. Gates's office and the door was wide open. I rushed inside, shutting and locking the door. 

"Grey, what is-" Dr. Gates's voice came to a screeching halt as I turned around. "Oh my god...Grey?" He hurried over, cupping my bruised face in his hands. "What happened honey..."

"He hit me..." I stifled a response. "D-downstairs..." My clarinet was hugged tightly against my heaving chest. 

"Sit Grey," He ushered me over to a seat, taking the damaged instrument from my hands, not paying any attention to the warped keys. "Do you want a hug?" 

I instantly hugged him, burying my face into his neck. He shushed me, rocking me back and forth in his arms. "I...I don't know what to do..." 

"Is he still in the building?" Dr. Gates pulled away with a concerned look on his face. I nodded. 

"Probably..." 

"I'm calling Security." He picked up his office phone and dialed, leaning against his desk. "Yes hello? Hi this is Dr. Isaac Gates from the Music Department, a student just ran into my office and her face is heavily bruised, could I get a nurse and an officer here? Yes, Room 303, thank you." He put down the phone and knelt in front of me once more. "Tell me everything." 

* * *

They found him tearing through my backpack and locker and arrested him on the spot. A nurse came in and looked at my face, all while the police asked me for information and Dr. Gates stood at his desk. His presence was comforting alone. 

Carolina and York soon came and she instantly hugged me. York awkwardly waved to the professor as she observed my face. I had a black eye and my lip was cut open. She pouted, feeling bad she couldn't do anything. 

I was just happy they were there for me. 

* * *

"You're lucky I can fix your instrument." Two days later and it was my lesson time, with Dr. Gates sitting at his desk with an instrument repair kit out. "The closest good repair guy is a half hour drive. 

"Thank you for the uh, tape." I nodded with a half smile. My lip still hurt. 

"Of course, Grey!" Dr. Gates beamed. "I know how much you loved the piece and our performance so I managed to find a recording of it from someone at the concert. I'm grateful Carolina got it to you." 

"Why was she here, again?" 

Dr. Gates stopped his work and stared up. "...she told me everything." He finally looked me in the eye. "She...she didn't know what else to do. She knew that we were close and figured I would be able to get through to you better than herself." He paused. "She's a really good friend." 

"Yeah, she is." I smiled, knowing I had been blind to everything. 

"Grey?" 

"Yes, Dr. Gates?" 

"You know you can still talk to me, right?" 

"...I do, yes." 

"Good. Make sure you do." Either my eyes fluttered or something, but I think he winked. My chest went warm and my cheeks went red. I couldn't deny it anymore; I was falling for Dr. Gates. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Her shitty boyfriend is supposed to be Sleeveless Insurrectionist Dude from Season 10 of RvB. I didn't have the heart to make any really known characters shitty at being a boyfriend D:


	9. Junior Year, Spring: Junior Recital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most, if not all, music programs require certain music majors to perform a senior recital, which is the culmination of everything they have worked on while attending university. Junior recitals are not necessarily required, but some choose to perform in one (like myself IRL).

It was towards the end of the fall semester when Dr. Gates planted the seed. 

"You should do a junior recital." He told me one day at the completion of my lesson. I furrowed my brow, giving him a funny look. 

"A...junior recital? Why?" I asked, placing my instrument back into its case. 

"Because why not!" The professor chuckled, throwing his arms into the air. "On a more serious note, you got talent, Grey. I want you to show it off." I winced. Yeah, I knew I had the skill and talent to pull it off but...why should I? 

"But...why?" I asked in a quieter, uneasy tone. He sensed my nerves and released a relaxed sigh. 

"You like playing, right?" He asked. I nodded with response. "Grey, I know you can be more confident than that." 

"Yeah, I love playing." I responded again with a firm tone. Dr. Gates nodded. 

"Bingo." He said, pointing at me. "You're a performer. You need to expose yourself. It's better to do it here in front of your peers versus out in the real world when people are paying to watch you. Get the nervous kinks out now." 

"Are you speaking from experience?" I raised a brow as I put my clarinet case strap over my shoulder. The professor stifled a chuckle and put a hand on the edge of his desk. 

"Perhaps. Or from seeing it first hand." He smirked. "You know I don't purposefully mislead my students." I stood there, my tongue poking at the inside of my cheek. "Well? What do you think?" 

"I'll think about it."

* * *

It was after I was home for winter break that I finally decided I wanted to do a recital. 

My family always heard me practicing, but never truly perform with a pianist and in a recital hall. They've been dying to hear me play and they were excited to hear my decision. 

"Let us know the date as soon as you know so we can book a flight!" Dad exclaimed, standing up to hug me. Sister also wanted to come, but she told me after Mom and Dad ended their excitement ceremonies. 

[OUTBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:30pm TO: Dr. Gates :)]

**I decided I want to do a recital. Could we find dates? Parents want to know ASAP.**

[INBOUND MESSAGE AT 11:32pm FROM: Dr. Gates :)]

**Absolutely!! I'm so glad you decided to do one, we can call tomorrow and discuss dates. I know you won't let me down :D**

I already felt better about the decision. 

* * *

It was the start of spring semester and things really started getting weird. 

We picked the date, reserved the recital hall and I bought a new suit for the occasion. None of that was weird; the rumors were.

They started immediately upon returning from winter break. I remembered hearing it first from York one night while Carolina and him ate dinner in our living room. 

"Is it true?" He asked me as I was walking past. I gave him a funny look. "The...rumor." 

"What rumor?" 

"The one about you and Dr. Gates." 

"What are you talking about?" I approached the couple, Carolina also giving York a weird look. 

"I heard from a few music kids in my film class that...you and him are..." York lifted a brow and cleared his throat. 

"Fuck no!" I nearly screamed. "Ew god, that's disgusting, why would I-"

"Who did you hear it from?" Carolina shifted her body to see York clearly. 

"Some girls. Not sure who. It's a big lecture class, no one really knows anybody." York chewed on pork. Carolina shot me a look. I was baffled.  _Where the hell did this rumor even stem from?_

"Grey," She had followed me back to my room. "There's no way those are true, right?" 

"Hell no." I defended, taking off my Concordia sweatshirt. "I mean... I like the guy, but I would never go that far." 

"Oh, so you're crushing?" Carolina stepped inside and shut the door. I blushed with a nod. "It happens. I crushed on my literature professor for a good while." She paused. "You...really like him, don't you." 

"I...Lina I..." I sulked, gazing down to the floor. She took a step towards me. 

"Grey, just don't admit to it in front of anyone else." I nodded in agreement. It would only make the rumor worse.

* * *

It was only a matter of time before the studio members talked about the rumor with me in the room. 

"Did you hear that Grey and Isaac  _kissed_???" South spoke in hushed tones as I entered the locker area after my recital rehearsal with my pianist. I walked over to my locker and undid the door to see numerous pictures of Dr. Gates littering the inside it. I stood up, apalled. "Oh wow, look, she even has a shrine!" 

"Shut up." I said coldly, ripping out the pictures and placed my clarinet case inside. South tisked and waltzed over to me. 

"What's the matter, upset that we all know your dirty little secret?" She taunted, leaning over me. 

"I said...Shut. Up." I gritted my teeth, standing up to her height. South's whitish hair was half in her face, attempting to make her look like an edgy teen. She smirked. 

"Make me." She came forward and I straight up punched her in the face. A crowd had gathered, not many people picking sides. South revealed a bleeding nose. 

"You fucking bitch-" She slammed me into the wall as two professors walked by, separating the two of us before she could get me into a choke hold. 

"I'm telling your professor about this." The woman professor spoke while scolding us. 

"Not like it'll do anything, Isaac  _loves_ Grey." South continued to tease as the two music professors walked away. 

"No he does not, I just do my work and he appreciates it. Not like you actually  _do_ anything." I spat back. South got feisty and proceeded to kick me in the leg. I keeled over, as she reeled up her fist for another punch. 

"Excuse me." The noises from everyone shouting the locker room ceased as a well dressed man stepped through. It was Dr. Gates. 

"Professor, it's not what it looks like-" South attempted to defend, but there really wasn't much to defend with her grabbing my shirt collar and about ready to knock me upside the head with a clenched fist. 

"Uh huh." Dr. Gates was not amused. "Both of you in my office. Now."

* * *

"How did this start?" Dr. Gates was leading the awkward session of talk therapy as he sat at his desk. 

"She called me out on how I'm a bad musician!" South raged next to me. My head was propped up by three of my fingers and I rolled my eyes, gazing off to the side. 

"Okay, Grey, what's your take?" He turned his attention to me. I avoided eye contact. 

"Her, along with Tex have been spreading false rumors about me." I stated in a calmer tone. 

"Not true!" South reacted, raising her voice. 

"Uh uh uh," Dr. Gates tisked, raising his arms to usher South to sit back down. "I don't like drama, especially drama within the studio. We're either talking this out, or this is going to the Dean's office." Reluctantly, South sat back down with folded arms. "Grey, what were these rumors about?" 

"Well uh...about us." I hid a blush while scratching the back of my head. "How we  _kissed_ or something." 

"You're telling me that's not true?!" South spat back as Dr. Gates furrowed his brow. 

"...wait a minute," He put his hands on his face, doing his best to comprehend the situation. "...South and Tex spread a rumor about...myself and Grey...having an intimate relationship?" I nodded quickly as South steamed off to the side. Dr. Gates gave a long, heavy sigh. "...South, that is unacceptable behavior. Grey, would you excuse us?" He gave a stern look to me. I nodded once more, gathered my things and left his office. I had never seen him get...upset, let alone angry. Did he yell? Was he someone to get quietly angry? No one knew, I had only heard rumors at that point. I was tempted to linger outside the office door to hear what was being said, but I thought it best not to be that nosy of Dr. Gates, or the rumors might become more prominent if he were to catch me. 

I decided to use that wasted time to go practice. It was after classes at this point and not many people were around. I was working on one of my unaccompanied pieces when a soft knock came to the door of the sound-proof practice room. Dr. Gates was at the door with a small smile. I gestured him to come inside. 

"Hi Grey," He stated softly after entered the small space and shut the door. "How are you holding up?" 

"Well, my pieces are coming together rather well-" 

"No, you misinterpret me." He stopped me in the middle of my sentence. "How are  _you_ doing?" 

"How am...I doing?" I set my clarinet down on its stand and thought for a second. "The rumors are trash, but I've been putting up with their bullshit for the past two years." 

Dr. Gates visibly furrowed his brow. "You mean to say...they've only caused you trouble?" 

I nodded in affirmation. "Yeah, um, they always bitch and complain about how I get special treatment for being the best, and that's when the relationship rumor stemmed from. They think I...do things, in order to get your attention." Dr. Gates was silent for a few seconds before chuckling quietly to himself, bringing his fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

"I've never heard something so ridiculous in my life...they're jealous of you and your abilities, and because of that, they try to find every way to-" 

"I know," I spoke quietly. These thoughts have been in my head for a long time - I knew their game, but it was at this point where I finally gave in to their high school pettiness. "I just...after awhile it's draining." 

"Understandable." Dr. Gates folded his arms and leaned against the wall of the practice room. "South has been...well, hopefully removed from the studio, after the department chair looks over the paperwork." 

"Are...you serious?" I questioned and stood up. He nodded in response. 

"I don't tolerate petty bullshit. That was my first rule on Day 1, most certainly you remember?" He eyed me for my response, which all I gave was a head nod. The first day of studio class as a freshman was  _such_ a long time ago. "Not like I expect anything less from you. You're a great student with a lot of passion and drive." Dr. Gates peered over my shoulder at the music on my stand. "Now, why don't I give a mini lesson?" 

* * *

My recital was finally here. I had gone out with Carolina the weekend prior to get a brand new suit for the occasion, with Dr. Gates's guidance over text message. My parents flew down here to see me give my first ever performance. It went amazing. The room's resonance amplified my sound and it was just like I rehearsed with my pianist. 

It was after the recital was over when shit hit the fan. 

I was talking with Carolina and York afterwards as we ate some of the food I had brought for the reception. 

"Hey," Carolina leaned close to me, her eyes looking beyond and over my shoulder. "Is that South and Tex talking to your folks?" 

I snuck a peek behind me. "Why the hell-" 

"Hello Carolina, and hello Grey," Dr. Gates came over to my group with a small plate of food he was eating in his hands. "How are we all doing?" He had been working the room since my recital ended about 20 minutes ago, talking to guests, other music students and faculty. He was the best host a student could ask for. 

"Good," My mind was absent from the conversation as I observed my parents with the other studio members. Dr. Gates must've caught my gaze. 

"I'll handle it." He patted my shoulder and wandered over to them. I let out a sigh. 

"I hope everything goes okay," I muttered quietly to myself as I watched from the other end of the room, taking only peeks every so often as to not get caught staring. Dr. Gates started talking to my parents, even shaking their hands. South and Tex had walked away from the conversation as soon as Dr. Gates appeared and left the recital hall after giving me a glare. I rolled my eyes and felt York's hand on my shoulder. 

"Relax kiddo," Somehow he started calling everyone that, even though I was the same age. "It's your night, not theirs." I showed a half smile as my parents came over with Dr. Gates. 

"Hunny," My mom spoke so delicately. "We'd love to see your apartment." She smiled between Carolina and I, having only met my roommate of three years yesterday at the airport. I looked to Dr. Gates. He nodded. 

"Go on ahead. I'll take care of tear down. You did amazing, Grey." He bowed slightly as he walked away from the conversation, continuing to work the room while eating sweets from the snack bar at the back of the room. 

"Alright Mom," I confirmed. "I'll take you guys home." 

* * *

 

"Looks better than the pictures, absolutely." Mom spoke as Carolina and I showed them around our two bedroom apartment that was located off campus. It was quiet and quaint and the neighbors were never noisy. "Which one is your room?" 

"Over here," I gestured to the door on the right side and opened it. Cool air pooled out of the room as I had left the AC on to help keep my succulents alive. Mom and Dad walked in, gazing around at my posters and room set up. I heard Carolina go into her room on the opposite end of the apartment. "It's small, but it's pretty doable." I plopped down on my bed and took off my blazer to show a purple sleeveless shirt.

"Right," Dad muttered, his face intently thinking.  _What's he thinking about?_ I asked myself. Was it something he wanted to say to me, or was he trying to figure out the maximum square footage in my apartment based off of my furniture?

"Is...something wrong, Dad?" I asked, furrowing my brow and sitting up slightly. He shook his head and looked to my mother. 

"Grey hunny, you're not in a....relationship, right?" Mom asked, taking a seat next to me on my bed. I squinted my eyes and shook my head. 

"No Mom, I haven't since like, sophomore year or something. Why?" My gaze flickered between both of them, utterly confused on where this conversation topic was coming from. They never asked me about my personal relationships unless if I brought it up, so this was highly unusual. 

"Well...those two girls at the concert told us some rather unsavory things..." Dad was picking up the jewelry I left out on one of the storage units. The piece in his hand was a necklace Dr Gates gave me last semester. "Are you...seeing your professor?" 

"Am I...what?" Suddenly my mind clicked and I blushed furiously. "No, of course not! I would never-" 

"Explain your blush, Grey." Mom folded her arms, her voice monotone and ready to attack. 

"Because I'm embarrassed that you had to hear that from two girls who got kicked out of the studio for starting those rumors!" I slightly raised my voice to portray the seriousness of the situation. "They're not true I-" 

"You've talked so highly of your professor in the past..." Dad walked over with the necklace in his hand. It was a music note on a sterling silver chain. Probably worth no more than $20 but it had meaning to me. "He seems very close and  _very_ fond of you." 

"Because he's a great professor! A great musician too, and he cares for all of his students, not just me," I countered, standing up out of pure frustration. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket but I didn't go for it. 

"If he is so great, maybe you  _are_ seeing him. You know that's illegal right?" Mom also stood up, approaching me, practically cornering me in my room with how tight the space was. 

"Illegal? I'm not doing anything with him!" I shouted, my eyes becoming blurry with tears. I felt my phone vibrate two more times. I didn't dare remove or touch it out of fear that my parents will take it from me, not like I had anything to hide. 

We argued for about 5 minutes before I barged through both of them to my bedroom door. I swung it open. "You know what, both of you can get out." I pointed them to the apartment door as I saw-

Dr. Gates was here. In my apartment. Accompanied by Carolina. "D-Dr Gates...w-what are you..." 

"Grey, you weren't answering your phone and you guys argue like mad." Carolina countered, her arms folded over her chest. "I called him here, I-I didn't know what to do." 

Mom stammered. "Well this is  _wonderful_. Grey's partner, in her home..." 

"WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!" I shouted once more, my face visibly turning red with anger as tears continued welling in my eyes. "He's simply my professor!" 

"Mr. and Mrs. Nevada, I can assure you that you only heard mere rumors from some jealous students of mine." Dr. Gates tried to intervene in his normal calm tone. 

"Is that what you always say to get parents off your back?" My father eyed the skinny professor. "You look like a man who takes pride in dating his students." Dr. Gates squinted and blinked a few times at the comment. He seemed baffled on how to answer the question. 

"...No sir, I don't, Grey is my best student. She takes a lot of pride in her work and that's something not many students have these days." Dr. Gates tried to deflect the conversation. 

Mom grabbed my bicep. "Grey, we're pulling you from-" 

"Get the fuck out," I bit back angrily, ripping my bicep out from her grasp. Mom gasped at me. 

"Don't you talk like that to your mother," Dad tried to bicker with me. 

"Both of you. Get the fuck out." I growled, pointing viciously to the door. My parents looked in between each other and made their way to the door. It was the last time I saw them. 


End file.
